Gas-gasm

We've got our first guest poster and we're thrilled. Terina from The Maldonado's is a friend of mine (Lisa's) from childhood. If you consider childhood your teenage years. She has red hair and so do I therefore she's pretty much awesome on my scale. Enjoy! And thanks Terina!

You know what I absolutely love the most about being pregnant?  (When I say love really I mean the thing I completely hate)  Gas.  You know how it just happens, if you’re like me, all the time.  I’ve turned into that nasty old person I hate at the grocery store.  I happily let one rip while picking my produce, because if it’s coming out, it’s not going to make me miserable staying in!  I’ve gotten to the point, I don’t care if it smells, if people hear me, or know it’s me, I just don’t want to get to that point where I feel like I’m going to explode if I don’t let it out.  Yeah I’ve gotten to be nasty like that.  And no, I don’t care, and I don’t care what you think about that. 

If you’ve ever been pregnant you probably understand why.  If you’ve never been pregnant or were just lucky enough to not have miserable gas let me tell you why I couldn’t care less what anyone thinks about me as long as the gas is coming out.

If it doesn’t come out it’s staying in!  Let me tell you a little what that feels like.  A little like someone crammed a giant ball into your stomach (let us not forget there is already a baby growing in there taking up the majority of the room, so this ball is in addition to the uterus containing the human you are growing).  It is covered in acid that is eating you alive from the inside out.  You know the only way to alleviate the pain caused by the giant acid bomb is to burp or fart.  So that’s pretty much all you want to do in life is burp or fart.  Every move you make hurts, laying down, sitting, pretty much just being alive.  You start to feel a little unhuman as your body is being taken over by the pain.   As this giant ball moves it hurts more, in other places.  You feel it moving and know relief has to be coming, it’s working its way out.

Finally the point comes where you just let one rip.  A giant fart that would make any hillbilly proud.  This is what I call a gas-gasm.  Why?  Because it’s a little reminiscent of an orgasm.  How in the world is passing gas, like an orgasm?  Well let me tell you.  You have to build up to an orgasm, you build up to it, you feel it coming, and you can’t wait for it.  Then all of the sudden….WHAM!  Best feeling EVER!!!  You might even sigh or let out a light moan after.  Oh the joy of an orgasm.  Same with pregnant gas.  It builds up, you can feel it coming, and you just can’t wait for it.  The RIPPPPP!  Best feeling EVER!!!!  No more pain.  You’re human again.  You might even let out a sigh, or little moan of relief.  You just had a gas-gasm!

Now if only orgasms could occur as often during pregnancy as gas-gasms do, that would be lovely now wouldn’t it!!!!

The Pepto Bismol Song

What are those dang lyrics? Come to find out I've had them all wrong. I was always singing, "acid indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea". I knew I was missing something before that. Turns out the lyrics to the all famous Pepto Bismol commercial go like this: (well the important part):

:Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea"

It's 2 freakin 30 in the morning and that's what I'm looking up on the internet? Sounds shady to me. Well not if you're pregnant and miserable I guess. Ive pretty much had all these symptoms for all the months. But especially now. Any ladies with me? If not, you will be soon.

This post will definitely be a drop in the "complaint" department of the post office. Sorry.

I've never had it this bad. As in, this moment. I feel like I might be dying of a heart attack during some episodes. And then other times I get some relief when i let out a giant burp. I feel like this must be Gods punishment for... eating too much pizza? That's all I can figure because otherwise what is the point? Why would God allow this to happen to me? Lol.

A day later:

This is current time. I survived the night but not really well. I had an appointment with a doc in Phoenix that morning. I had to wake up at 6 a.m. to make it on time. There was no way. I was awake for 3 hours. Literally. No exaggeration. You know when you hear people say, "I was up all night with blah blah blah.." and really they were just in and out of sleep the whole night? No. For real I was wide awake. I would get up to get a drink of water, then lay down and almost vomit up fire, then I'd have to pee. Then I'd get another drink. Take some Tums, lay down, fire, pee, repeat. I even tried Tylenol. The pain all over my body was awful. Did I mention that I'm on my 4th UTI? It's so severe that it causes my uterus to be irritated and it extends to my back (kidneys). So all of this combined was not making for a happy night.

My sister, awesome that she is, after I told her I wasn't gonna make it for my appointment, called my doctors answering service (because the office is technically closed on Saturdays) and pretended to be me. She called me and said that if I could be there by 11, they'd totally see me. So we rushed. It was 8:30. We were out the door by 9 and my awesome husband made it there by 11. Fine. It was 11:10.

Anyway, this is becoming a long and drawn out sob story. Totally not my intention. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in your suffering from all the crappy stuff.

Watch a cute version of the song here.