I just took my dog for a walk. We left at 8:30, so it's dark. I figure, I'm a grown up, no one knows by looking at me that I pretty much have no idea where I am, and I have a dog. And a phone. Safe.

But creepy things happened.

Sophie (doggie) decides we must stop at this old abandoned house to smell the grass. I look at the house...it's fine. But across the street, this little scene is happening: a guy is standing at the edge of his garage and there's a strobe light going off in there and once in a while it flashes red or green. He's got horrible greasy-curly hair pulled back in a little shitty pony tail. He's wearing a collared jacket and has a weird stoop not unlike the Joker. By not unlike I mean exactly like the Joker. So I look around to make it seem like I accidentally see him instead of how I'm sort of staring, he's looking down and then slowly looks up at me and cocks his head in that weird way. I hate him. He's scaring me. Then he closes the garage. Now I'm terrified for whoever is tied up in there. So, obviously, me and Sophie move on.

Then the leaves start blowing uphill. And I walk as fast as I can. And this is a steep hill! But I mean, the wind is blowing, so what's the big deal, right? Then I get to the corner to take a break and let Sophie smell the Almighty Stop Sign. A runner passes by and I'm reminded to take a giant chill pill because if people are running, everything is ok. I mean if people are exercising, then things aren't out of hand.

Anyway, so we start walking. We pass this house and Sophie needs to smell. As I'm standing there, this weird, chickeny sound starts cawing and screeching from inside this house! It's a bird sound, but I have no idea what it was. And it wasn't panicked, just strange and probably telling me that this night has bad things in store for me.

At this point, I'm just waiting for some dude in Army boots and a trench coat to start chasing me or for a house to explode just to break the tenion between me and this night.

I'm home.

And safe.

But I will not sleep tonight.

I Take It Back!

Yes. I take back my blog from the other day. I take back the happiness 100%. Except for whatever I said about Eli. He's still on my good side.

After I woke up and the homecoming feeling wore off, in the light of day I took closer inspection of the house. So my husband prepared me for a clean and upkept house, that's what I expected. Silly me. Silly me. Ohhhhhhhhh for shaaaaaaame! The house was in the kind of condition you would expect when you left for a while and left teenagers in charge. Only last minute cleaning. And ALL of it is done wrong. As in, I had to rewash all laundry because a) none of it was folded and b) none of it was all the way dry. Cool. I already had planned on doing thirteen extra loads to wash all of Eli's baby clothes, but now I have to rewash like seven loads plus blankets that were clean but left out for the cats to lay all over for a month. Seriously upsetting.

Also, we have wood floors. Wood floors and three cats is A LOT of hairs. They are gross and get everywhere and stay in only the most annoying places. Basically, like twice a week all the furniture needs moved to sweep under it. Can you guess? Andy has done this zero times. And he didn't do the stairs. I cannot express to you enough just how freaking disgusting this is. Like, I'm afraid I'll get arrested!! So I've been sweeping a lot (like with a broom) and moving furniture. Because my husband PROMISED me he cleaned so well.

I am not a picky girl! But clean means clean.

So all afternoon yesterday, I cleaned out the basement, purging style like how he was supposed to while I was gone because it's not really pregnant work. I threw everything away. Everything was disgusting! Of the baby stuff that I kept, it all needs hosed down. And maybe this is just bitching, but it's gross because my darling husband (i'm just going to pretend he's gay from now on. So he's not my business anymore.) put all the baby stuff under the open stairs next to the litter boxes. Do you know what I mean by under the open stairs? That's where all the dirt in the world goes to hang out forever. And lots and lots of spiders. And the litterboxes (two) are there, so everything smells like ammonia and is coating in litter. The reason I did not move the baby stuff sooner is because it was hidden behind even more ridiculous stuff and I just didn't notice it. But the basement needs wiped clean out before summer or else everything will get moldy because it's an unfinished basement in a super humid place.

This is a lot of talking.

Even though I'm still angry for marrying such a poop, I'll digress.

Siiiiiiiigh......

Happytime Blogging

I am happy because I came home to

*a house that smelled normal (not expected)
*a very beautful new purse for my birthday!!
*some presents I sent myself while I was gone.
*happy kitties (who are now contentedly purring nearby!!)
*springtime daffodils in the backyard!

At this moment, Eli is sleeping, Andy is sleeping and I am listening to the clock ticking...one of my favorite sounds. All the blankets, towels, rugs, and clothes are clean and most of the dishes are done...and I didn't do any of it. The fridge is in desperate need of refilling. Shopping tomorrow. Everything is lovely and clean and quiet.

Poor Eli has been through a billion time changes in the last month--including the "spring forward" time change! (Whatever that means!) I am relieved and proud of him for being in bed by 11:00, our own time. That means 10:00 Illinois time and 8:00 (I think) Arizona time. Pretty good, right? My nice boy.

And, listen to this, we did the drive from Illinois to Pennsylvania today. With. No. Electronics. What I mean is minimal music, no DVD player (our fail-safe), no phone apps or NintendoDS (we don't have one, but you know), or any secret, technological distractions. Eli talked. And talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked. He slept, ate, and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked. He came out of his little shell this trip. Talking like this is brand new and completely welcome. And he's funny. And has a pretty adorable lisp. Or speech impediment. Or cute way of speaking, whatever. I said, "Stop." He says, "No stop. Aye-yaye," as he points to himself. Translation: "I'm not Stop. I'm Eli." And things don't "smell," they "mouse." See??? Frakking adorable. I want to die. Happily. "Ee mouse icky." As we passed lots of cow shit. Isn't that cute? Do you hate me? It's ok. I welcome your hatred. Because sometimes being a mommy really actually surpasses all.

Ugh! Ok! Enough of that. This isn't a diary. Well, I'm just happy to be home and relaxing. I just wish I already brushed my teeth.

Night night.

Swankles

It's copyrighted. Or it should be: swollen ankles = Swankles. I made it up.

That's not how my feet normally look. My broken right foot swells so much more than my left. I didn't have this problem with Sadie. I did with Jackson.

Do you get swollen? Are you now? What are your favorite shoes to wear when this unfortunate event happens?

CareBears and Cloth Diapers

Ok. Hi. How are you? Congrats to Hannah on her baby! (Sorry, Hannah, I know I don't know you, but I heard. And it seems to me you are due for some congratulations!!) Well, I feel like I can breathe again. We are not home yet, but we have one more trip to make and we're there. It was a good "vacation." Lots of fun and family, though not necessarily at the same time.
As far as being pregnant goes, things just got pregnanter. Did I mention before that I'm less far along than originally thought? I haven't been to a Dr to find out exactly where we are in the ticker, but I'm also not worried about it. At all. I mean, the baby's coming whether or not a date is picked out. So I don't care. But this last week or so, I just made the turn to uncomfortably pregnant. Also, for some reason, people keep telling me how much they hate the term "preggo" or "preggers" or something. Two girls told me that! I don't think I even talk about this pregnancy like ever in real life, but they felt the need to express to me this very important opinion of theirs. I responded like this, "ok."
But this is a pregnant blog!
So I was pregnant on a long drive. A plane ride. A few train rides. I was pregnant at my brother's wedding. Casinos. Bars. Malls. A Cheesecake Factory. At Blue Man Group and Divas' Drag Show. I was pregnant while I drank coffee, champagne, wine, even whiskey. And vodka. Although very small amounts. I was pregnant and chasing a three-year-old while I did the same amount and same pace walking as the rest of my on-a-shopping-high family. There were two days where I could have dropped dead. I should have, too, to teach my family a lesson!! STOP MOVING AROUND AND FEED THE PREGNANT LADY!! AND TAKE THIS CHILD AWAY FROM ME!! Actually, my family was awesome about taking Eli and having a great time with him while I got a break.
I went cloth diaper shopping with my cousin, the Cloth Diapering Guru. I can seriously ask her anything about anything on CD's and she'll know or have very strong opinions about it. I mean from how to dry this brand of CD's or how well this brand of diaper holds in poo on a chubby-butt kid. She knows all.
So I had to one-up her and commit to prefolds. In the cloth diapering world (of WONDER!!) these are for purists. So that's me! The winning purist! Well, just kidding. I bought them because I really, really, really, really, really love how they look all clean and folded and put away. All uniform and perfect. It's actually an image I have in my brains from the old CareBear movie. And i love how simple and sweet prefolds look on a nice baby. On a sweet baby who sleeps well and loves his mommy. (Repeating mantra to belly.)
Well, I couldn't find the scene I wanted to show my inspiration for cloth diapers (honestly, I've wanted to cloth diaper because of it since I saw this movie....probably 20 years!!), but here is the movie trailer. Because I know someone, SOMEONE will watch the movie. And love everything like when we were little and sing Care-a-Lot songs.

Hiatus, from life?

I think Jaime is missing in action. It might be that she has been traveling all over the world, or maybe she is just not wanting to think about pregnancy.

I am not full term! 37 weeks! I'm sort of having a midlife crisis. Again. Does that surprise you? Things have changed as far as where I'm going to give birth. I feel uneasy. Don't get me wrong, I'm really excited to meet this little one and I can't wait to hold her and have her and love her. I just wish I knew when and where and how this was all gonna go.

I've texted both my mom and my sister, telling them I just want a C-section. I know deep down it's not true, I'm just tired and stressed and sad. 

I'm watching Desperate Housewives and and Bree was just driving and turning the steering wheel way too much to the left and to the right. I hate fake driving.

Do you want any of my stuff? I have WAY too much of it. I want to share it with you. I really am trying to go minimal. We only have 4 bowls. I keep trying to get rid of the 8 plastic plates and 19 cups we have. Only, my husband and kids keep finding more. I really think it will help with our dish problem.

Do you also hate that I shared that free link or whatever it was in the last post? Cause I think I still want to do that.

Anyway, I'm gonna go. Congrats to Hannah on her baby! Yay!

Weather Forecast: Baby Showers with a Chance of Bad RSVP'ers

I was feeling sick.
I went to BJ.
Nothing at all.

Just a few of the awesome excuses I heard for people not showing up at my baby shower. From people who has said they would be there and just didn't show up, or call, or text either. I'm sorry, but if my hungover friend can make it, so can you.

I present my feeling as anger but its really just a front for my sadness.

After all, we bought food for these people and cupcakes and favors! And I had it at a giant house because I was expecting a lot of people.

At least the food was awesome.  I'll link it up when I post over there about the good stuff.

This is definitely a mail drop in the complaint department.
I don't even want to mention numbers because it just makes me sad. My purpose with this shower was to have people I care about come and celebrate with me and to share their positive energy with me as I get through these next few weeks. I found out today I'm only 36 freakin weeks along. Ugh.

I should mention that the shower was awesome regardless of how many people were there. The food was amazing, and so was the location. And the people that came! I am thankful for good sisters who went to all ends to make it special for me. I am somewhat of a control freak so they deserve extra blessings for putting up with me.

Anyway, I can't wait for you to see the positive stuff that came out of it.

In the meantime, you should totally go get a free Tide Pods sample. Here is a link.

Travel Rules

Traveling with a Three-Year-Old while Pregnant
Rules of Thumb:

Refrain from crying.
Execute swats.
Be prepared to use the "Mean Voice" more than usual.
When said "Mean Voice" loses its effectiveness, then:
Execute swats.
Recite a daily mantra:
"My child is a good child. I swear. I know he is. Deep down in his tiny baby-heart, I know there is goodness."
Coloring books, toys, snacks, water, juice, dvd players, and the promise of food and/or candies all have their place.
Ask/request/demand/pay as many people as possible for help. Help with bags or with having patience or maybe just ignoring us. It's all helpful and people do it if asked. Especially if other people hear you ask them for help.
...Especially if you're an over-burdened pregnant mom just trying to get from one place to the next.

Oh, wait.
That's every day.
Sleep.
Pet the kitty.
Sleep.
Nap.
Take a break.
Sleep.
Don't feel guilty.
Sleep.
And most importantly:
Sleep.

..........And goodnight.

Porn for Pregnant Women!

I was inspired when I read this post from the Pregant Chicken. I created my own. I'd love for you to come up with some too. Remember, this IS the post office. Drop it off!